halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
