i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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