I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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