he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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