Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
