dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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