God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
