I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
