You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
