o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
