Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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