M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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