a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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