ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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