false alarm. still invincible.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
