I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
