Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
