The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She just used a chaser for red wine.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
