you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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