Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
