He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
