i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Holy shit dude........stairs
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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