oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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