I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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