When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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