I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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