My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
