i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
