I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
