I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
