Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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