looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
