i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
