Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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