He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The air was thick with penises
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
