I can tuck mytits in my pants
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
