saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're a disaster
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