I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
