I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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