blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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