We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
