I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
