Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
