how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
