so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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