My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
