how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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