tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
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apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I need to calm my uterus...