just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
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He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia