why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?