You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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