my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
