My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
