I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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