That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
