i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
