The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
