and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize