I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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