I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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