His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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